This post is an emotional expression of what I am going through right now. This is not intended to make you feel sorry for me or to understand me.
It is simply written to voice what I am feeling in this moment in time.
You’re still here, but I know you really aren’t.
I know we never shared a sacred bond. I always withdrew myself from it. I still love you though, I promise.
Mom, I’m sorry about all the times I hurt your feelings when I was younger. I didn’t know what was going on inside of my head. I let pride, anger, and jealousy consume me. These were the reasons for my rebellion. These were the emotions that caused me to make careless decisions from the time I was 13 years old.
I knew that. I’ve known it all along. But, even so, pretending it didn’t exist was easier. It made my actions pleasurable. It made my actions towards you and everyone else justifiable.
But that’s no excuse.
Mom, you hurt me. You deprived me. You neglected me.
But that’s okay.
With that, you made me the strongest woman I never imagined I would become. You made me the smartest, boldest, and most driven version of myself I could have ever become… So I thank you for all that life handed you and handed us.
There is no doubt in my mind that you loved me. I know you always have and always will.
With your life, you taught me all the lessons I never knew I needed.
Thinking back, had I not felt neglected or lost..
I would’ve never grown into the woman I am today.
But here I am. Here I am halfway done with college, married, and creating my own path in life. Here I am blessed to say that I am a product of God’s words and faithfulness.
HERE I AM.
Yes, I know you’re in a lot of pain right now mom… I’m so sorry. I wish there were something, anything I could do.
I would love to start over and create that relationship I always wanted with you. I wish I could help mold you into an even more amazing version of yourself, the version that doesn’t suffer physical and emotional pain, the version of you who can walk, who doesn’t need a machine to breathe for her. The version that isn’t dying when I need her.
I wish I could mom, but time is a blessing and a curse.
There is no redo. We cannot go back.
We must simply continue on.
Mom, I am not a product of my surroundings. I am your evidence of the good that you did in the world. Even with all the other mistakes that were made, I am someone you can be proud of (even though I already know you are). The nurses tell me how much you talk about me. They tell me how proud you are of my accomplishments. So even though you don’t want me to know what’s going on right now, the drive I have will always allow me to figure it out. Even though we were both hit by this blindly, we can lean on God because through His grace I know that we will be okay.
I love you mom. Even with everything you are battling, the emphysema, the peripheral neuropathy, not breathing on your own, and now possible cancer.. I have never, for a moment, doubted you. I will always be the person you wanted me to be. I will always have you to look back on and continue fighting in life.
I love you mom.